Instead of working the red carpet during this year’s Academy Awards (the offer came up thanks to a journalist friend of mine), I decided to instead join cinema fanatics in a Hollywood hotel I will not mention in a viewing lengthy viewing party of all the nominated Best Picture selections. As I watched Avatar, I wondered why the game of said movie gave me heartburn.
Yes, you read that right. A game gave me heartburn. Sitting down to play the game I expected the world of Pandora to wow me and instead I felt the discomfort that only went away after I broke open a bottle of Pepto Bismol and chugged the sucker down. It was nothing I ate, mind you. It was playing five minutes of a game based on a film with a budget that could have fed a small country for a year. Why do games based on movies suck so much?
Anyway, our cruel Editor-in-Chief must have been reading my mind because he sent over another box filled with games based on film properties. He was kind enough to leave out Avatar and even nicer to include a fresh new bottle of Pepto Bismol just in case. Guess what? It actually did come in handy.
Total Recall (NES)
Based on a movie that stars California’s Governator, Total Recall recreates the movie’s many memorable moments such as when our hero gets dragged into an alley to battle angry little people that aren’t afraid to jump kick a big guy like Arnold. Oh wait, when did that happen in the movie?
Where’s the cool car chases or the three-breasted prostitute? Why can’t my character punch like a normal person does and what’s wrong with the boss battles that feel like they were programmed by a team of chimps?
A warning: playing Total Recall will result in the death of many a brain cell, nausea and diarrhea. Thank God for Pepto Bismol.
Catwoman (Xbox)
Oh my God, I get to play one of the most gorgeous women in Hollywood and she’s actually an action hero that looks so damn good she made me question my sexuality. It’s just too bad that this is a bad game based on a bad movie.
EA what were you thinking when you regurgitated this hairball? Ok, it has Halle Barry but did you think that was enough to sell the game that makes fighting security guards and armed thugs feel so sluggishly irritating? On top of that, the levels are so boring that – if given the choice – I’d happily sit through the awful movie again.
Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker (Sega Genesis)
I just had to take out my older brother’s Sega Genesis for this one and after I dusted it off I slapped the cartridge in and laughed at the white sprite that is Michael Jackson in a white suit and white fedora moving like he was sliding on ice. Kick your feet and stars would glide out of Michael’s feet and when he would stop “moonwalking” he would tilt his hat and give us his signature crotch grab.
Michael’s dancing is but one of the highlights of the game as 16-bit versions of his music plays on and you can’t help but laugh at the retro weirdness of the game. Then comes the horror when you discover that the game is about Michael attempting to save children from the nefarious Mister Big … who might actually be doing the kids a favor. It’s not that I believe the allegations but there’s something kind of creepy about being rescued by a magical man-child that grabs his crotch way too much.
Actually, of the bad games I got this month, Moonwalker had its bizarre-yet-fun moments that are mixed in with super creepy and mind-boggling moments that make you wonder what kind of person bought this or what kind of kid begged their parents to buy it. What other game features a chimp named Bubbles who guides our hero to the big dance off against a level boss?
- Valentina del Toro
March 11, 2010 at 7:48 am
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