I am currently having a torrid, passionate and romance novel-sized love affair with the downloadable PS3 demo of Sega’s recent Aliens Versus Predator game for the Xbox 360 (Ed – review coming up). I can already smell the bargain bin stink on this one as I play as the Predator and the funny thing is that I had thought the game was cool when I checked it out during E3 2009. Yet as I play the demo I can already tell that this one will end up in one of the boxes of crap I get from this office every month.
As I said the first time we met, I do love the bad games so you can imagine that this love affair I have with bad games is being fueled by more games just like this. I just can’t say no to a game that’s so awful that stores like Game Stop feel embarrassed to carry them. The kind of game that ends up in the bargain bin, collecting a funky green mold. The kind of game a Jewish kid would get in Hanukah by their elderly Uncle Irvin who thinks “Call of Duty” means “time to go to the toilet.”
So, Happy Late Valentine’s Day, bad games. I’ll be waiting for you with scented candles, a lacy negligee and a bottle of tequila. I know I’ll be needing it.
Chicago Enforcer (Xbox)
Ever since I was a kid I always wanted to be a wise girl. You know the kind I’m talking about, right? The kind that loves Mama’s spaghetti with the homemade sauce and work in waste management by busting a guy’s kneecaps or, better yet, sending them to the bottom of a lake with cement shoes. Yeah, I thought Chicago Enforcer would do it for me but I was wrong.
If Chicago mobsters acted like they do in this game then La Cosa Nostra would be the clowns of disorganized crime. We’re talking armed gunmen who run for cover behind a chain link fence or run right out in the open thinking Saint Linguine has their back. Worst yet, my gangster has to spend an entire clip to take down one guy. Oh wow, I didn’t know Chicago gangsters blink out of existence after they die. Now I know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa.
Aquaman: Battle for Atlantis (Xbox)
Can you believe that Aquaman finally got his own game? It’s about time seeing he’s the only Super Friend or Justice League of America member that didn’t get one. I mean, why are Superman and Batman the only ones that get to have all the fun, right?
Well, that’s fine and dandy but Aquaman is the butt of every superhero joke and now he’ll even be despised if you ever get your hands on this game. Visually, this is a different kind of Aquaman who looks like an even more grizzled version of Kenny Rogers and he even talks like a dork. I spend the entire game questioning Aquaman’s sexuality. He can’t possibly be straight!
Bad Boys: Miami Takedown (PlayStation 2)
Oh my God, my nightmare has finally come true. A game based on a Martin Lawrence movie is something I have been fearing for a long time and now that fear has become a digital reality. Based on the second Bad Boys movie, Miami Takedown has you playing as Martin Lawrence or Will Smith and yes it plays just as bad as it sounds. When you can’t even aim right you know you’re in for a bad time.
One good thing can be said about the game and that is that they captured Will Smith’s funny ears just right. I imagine the people responsible for rendering each character watching DVD after DVD of “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” just to get those ears right. As for Martin Lawrence, nobody really cared how he looks and you can tell by the awful way they modeled the character.
This game is simply so bad I had to run out screaming. Thank you for the extra nightmares, Crave.
